Toby Dorr: Hi, everyone, and welcome to Fierce Conversations with Toby, the show where we discover the silver lining in life’s most difficult stories. I’m your host, Toby Dorr.
Toby Dorr: Hi, welcome to Fierce Conversations with Toby. My guest today is Alexa Bigwharfe, who’s doing such amazing things in the publishing world. I just finished attending her Women in Publishing Summit and I can’t believe how much work goes into that and how flawlessly it all seems to come together. So how do you make that happen?
Alexa Bigwarfe: work and a lot of support. I have a great team and we start, we start in May preparing for the event in March. So it’s, yeah, it’s, it’s fun, but it’s, uh, it’s a lot to handle sometimes.
Toby Dorr: Yes, it is. And, and you’re going to have a live event, uh, in the fall, which I would really like to come to, but I haven’t been able to make that work. But I think that’s pretty cool to now mix live events in with your virtual events.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Yeah, this is a whole new world for me. So I’m starting with a small event. We hope to have about 50 to 70 people just focusing on book marketing, whereas the conference covers everything in the entire process from routes to publishing, writing all the way through launch and marketing. And, um, yeah, we, we hope it’ll be a successful event.
Alexa Bigwarfe: I’ve never done a live event, but I’ve got people supporting me. So
Toby Dorr: I think that’s awesome. Yeah. I may still make it work. So I think it’d just
Alexa Bigwarfe: I hope so. That would be great to have you.
Toby Dorr: I’m putting together a three day summit for women that I hope to have in October, but. I don’t have it defined yet, but it’s going to be the metamorphosis journey for women. So it’s kind of, I’m hearing, you know, women in midlife, professional women who are, you know, they’re, they’re at a crossroads and other crossroads in their life.
Toby Dorr: And, and how do they find purpose and move forward and be productive in that time?
Alexa Bigwarfe: I may know some people that are interested in that.
Toby Dorr: think it’s going to be a lot of fun, but I want it to be an on site thing too, so I’m trying to get that worked out. So, uh, we’ve already gotten started, but I’d like to ask a question at the beginning that kind of gives people an insight into who you are, and that is, what’s your favorite color, and what does it say about you?
Alexa Bigwarfe: Oh, my favorite color is purple. And, um, I think it says passion. I feel like, um, well, I’ve always loved purple, but it’s really interesting over the past few years. It’s become very important to me because it’s also the color for one of the most important, um, Organizations that I support the March of Dimes having had some preemies and I, and some journeys along that route where we really support them.
Alexa Bigwarfe: So I do everything in purple, uh, teal, which has always been one of my favorite colors too, and that represents a lot of different beautiful things. So I’d say
Toby Dorr: a good contrast with purple
Alexa Bigwarfe: Yes, yes.
Toby Dorr: I like that. So you have, we kind of met and clicked because we had a somewhat similar journey in that we both lost children. And you have taken that and turned it into this book. powerful movement that lets other women tell their stories too. So tell me a little bit about that story, about Catherine’s story and about how you got started in publishing.
Toby Dorr: Yeah,
Alexa Bigwarfe: I, um, I lived a whole different life before, um, my twins, I actually was an air force intelligence officer and then went into working in counter terrorism and decided, um, I had two small children at the time and decided I wanted to stay at home and my, Husband at the time and I were both third Children and we both decided we needed to have a number three because if our parents had hadn’t had number three, we wouldn’t be here.
Alexa Bigwarfe: So we, we, uh, we got pregnant pretty quickly and lo and behold, it was identical twins, which was a bonus baby. So we were really thrown for a loop for that, uh, that, that big announcement, but as it turned out, um, they developed something called twin to twin transfusion syndrome, which impacts a lot of, um, of, of identical twins.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And we had a very tumultuous pregnancy. And then the girls were born about nine and a half weeks later. Um, weeks early and Catherine just, she had too many obstacles to overcome and passed away after two days. And I had her twin sister was in the NICU. She was a really, really tiny baby at one pound, 10 ounces.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And she was in the NICU for a long time. So my focus was on caring for her. And I had a. Three year old and a, no, a two year old and a, and a just turned five year old at home. So I didn’t have a lot of time to really process things until we were able to bring Karis home from the NICU. And at that point in time, as you know, like you have to process it.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And the way I began to process was writing and I started a blog and I was Blogging and telling stories about all of the different things. And after a while, I decided that I wanted to put together a book for grieving mothers. So I reached out to a bunch of people that I knew by that point in time in the grief and loss community.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And we, um, compiled a book, sunshine after the storm, a survival guide for the grieving mother. And that began this entire journey that I could have never foreseen, um, in the publishing world. So it was, it was such a beautiful, uh, It was a really, really, uh, beautiful experience for me and a way for me to transform my grief into something that helped others.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And then who knew that it would turn into me also helping so many other women get their words out into the world.
Toby Dorr: and it’s just amazing. It was at the first Women in Publishing Summit that I went to. I had written my book and I had an agent and For 18 months, I had an agent and nothing happened and nothing happened and nothing happened. And I had just decided I was going to terminate the agreement with that agent.
Toby Dorr: And then I found out, which I did. And then I found out that if I get another agent and. I, they get me a deal with any place that my first agent had queried for the first six months after our contract ended, the first agent would get credit for it. So I thought, well, I can’t get an agent for at least six months.
Toby Dorr: Who would want to take that on? So I decided to just not do anything. And then I went to the women in publishing summit and I, Went to a, one of your sponsors was Grace Point Publishing and I went to their event and they listened. I was also a speaker there and they listened to my story and they reached out to me and I ended up getting my book published.
Toby Dorr: So that’s pretty crazy how things work.
Alexa Bigwarfe: It was a great journey and I was really happy to be a part of that with you because I just think your story and and what you’ve done from your situation has just been incredible as well. So I’ve been really excited to see all of that play out.
Toby Dorr: It’s been so much fun. You know, I, I can’t even, you know, I always say I’m, I’m not ever going to quit working. I’m going to work till I die. And then I say, what am I talking about? It’s not work. I’d love that. It isn’t a lot like a job, it’s just so much fun. So, um, I usually ask people about traumas in their life, and you’ve told us about Cat, and I figure that’s probably the biggest trauma in your life, but is there another trauma that’s really pushed you to grow in a different direction?
Toby Dorr: Yes.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Oh, boy, we could have a very long conversation about trauma. Um, well, as I mentioned, I served in the military and, um, I had a couple I served during war. I was in a combat zone for, well, 3 different deployments. I was overseas supporting both Afghanistan and Iraq. Um, and some things happened. on those deployments that were pretty traumatic for me, which I am actually still processing.
Alexa Bigwarfe: It took, I shoved a lot of that aside until recently, actually. And, um, it all came boiling back up about a year ago. And so that has led me to it. I was officially diagnosed this year with, um, with complex PTSD because with, with normal. with normal PTSD. With PTSD, it’s generally one incident that they can help you work through, but with complex, it’s a building of things.
Alexa Bigwarfe: So we work all the way back, starting at that event and then moving forward and losing Catherine. And then a few years later, an aunt that I was very, very close to passed away pretty unexpectedly. And then in that time frame, my dad had a stroke and heart attacks and strokes and was, Very ill. And I was caring for him and raising three little ones.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And then he passed away. And then two years after that, one of my really close friends died of ovarian cancer and in the midst of all of that, I was going through a divorce. So yes, I know, I know a little bit about trauma.
Toby Dorr: I’d say so. I would say so. You know, the interesting thing is that, you know, after my daughter Emily died, she was also in the NICU for her entire life, which was 18 hours and 31 minutes. And I didn’t know how to process it. And, you know, going back home and writing in journals would have been the smart thing to do, but I didn’t do anything.
Toby Dorr: I just, Stuffed it inside. And actually, it wasn’t until I was writing this memoir that I actually brought that all back out and processed it and was able to work through it. But, you know, I can’t believe how toxic stuff gets when you stuff it inside and don’t let it out.
Alexa Bigwarfe: You can’t run from it. I mean, trust me, I tried and one of my, uh, one of my scenarios was I just kept myself as busy as I didn’t realize that I was doing it, but until years of therapy showed me this, but I just kept myself so busy and just adding more and more and more. And, you know, stuffing it all down.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And eventually I just, I couldn’t anymore. And I really, really had to come. I started having panic attacks and a lot of anxiety and, and really struggling to make it through a day. And I had to go back and start addressing things and thank goodness for good therapists. Thank goodness for writing. If you can’t or don’t want to go to a therapist, writing can be such a tremendous way for you to process things.
Alexa Bigwarfe: So, as you know, and as I know.
Toby Dorr: I believe and I’ve read some research that kind of supports this, but somehow your hand is connected to your heart when you write with your hand, you’re tapping into a different part of your brain. And I actually watched a presentation on it and said, as you form letters, you know, it takes different, it activates different parts of your brain and it puts you in a different place as opposed to typing.
Toby Dorr: And, You know, that’s kind of connected to your head and you put a lot of thinking into that work, but you put a lot of emotion into the handwriting work. So I think journaling is the best way to start anything.
Alexa Bigwarfe: You know, I used to keep a journal very, very regularly. And, um, one of the things that happened to me along the way, um, made me completely stop writing in my journal. And it’s, um, it’s been really hard for me to get back into that because, uh, It’s something I want to get back to because I know how important it is and one of the things even Some of the grief therapy that I’ve gone through has has really said not even just writing, but if you can Yes, sometimes you have to write the bad things, but if you can also think about Writing in gratitude every single day what you are grateful for and and what’s going well And all of those things is really helpful as well.
Toby Dorr: gratitude is so important. And I also think perspective is too, because you can look at anything. You can take the worst thing. And if you change the perspective. It lightens the whole load, you know, like when I was in prison, I had a 27 month prison sentence and I thought, I can’t do 27 months. What am I going to do with all this time?
Toby Dorr: And then I realized I could take all that time and focus on me and. and write in my journals and figure out all the things that are broken and what I need to fix and plan for a future. And so I always say, you know, I found freedom behind bars. It gave me time to find myself. So that time was a blessing and that changed everything for me.
Toby Dorr: Yeah,
Alexa Bigwarfe: I don’t want to go to prison, but I could really use 27 months to work on myself as well. How do I,
Toby Dorr: there’s some blessings in it. There’s also some not blessings, but if I focused on the blessings, it made things easier. And I think you can do that with anything,
Alexa Bigwarfe: yeah, I mean, it’s really hard when, when the event is super, super traumatic, it’s really hard to find gratitude. Um, one of the, one of the authors I was working with had a very, very heartbreaking story. Um, her. Ex husband. I don’t even know if they were ever married, but the father of her child went to the very extreme.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And, um, she’d been fighting him for custody of their, of their child for full custody without him having any. And in fact, the courts went the other way and allowed him to have, um, an overnight weekend visitation with the three year old. And he wound up killing the three year old and himself that weekend.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And I’m very, very sorry. That’s a very, very sad story to tell. She’s done so. So much wonderful work from it in trying to get laws passed and working in the system. But I remember how this is related to what we’re talking about. I remember her telling me that when she started therapy, her therapist really encouraged her to write down three things she’s grateful for every day.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And in, Yes. But she said that was incredibly difficult. And all she wanted to write was a bunch of curse words, like, you know, for like, what in the world could I possibly be grateful for now? But she started with small things. Like, I’m grateful that I got to be Kira’s mother for three years. I’m grateful that I have pictures of her.
Alexa Bigwarfe: I’m grateful, you know, and just starting very, very basic. And eventually she was able to move through that. Mm
Toby Dorr: know, when Emily died, uh, we had a family friend who was a priest and he came in and baptized Emily before she died and I was holding her and my mom was there and he said to me, this baby is so blessed because he got to know the night she was born at night and she got to see a sunrise and she got to feel her mother’s kiss and what you asked for.
Toby Dorr: Yeah.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Oh
Toby Dorr: You know, that made it easier for me. I would have asked for a whole lot more, but you know, I had that. And so that’s what I clung to.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Oh, that’s beautiful.
Toby Dorr: Yeah. And sometimes it is just the little things that seem really not that big and not that important, but they mean the world. So you just got to find them and grasp onto them.
Toby Dorr: So did this woman write a book? I’m curious.
Alexa Bigwarfe: So I was helping her write her book and it got stalled because she started getting heavily involved in legislature in New York trying to pass new laws and trying to pass some federal laws because right now there’s a lot of children, too many, one is too many, but it was in the hundreds if not up to a thousand by now of children who, who die by one of their parents.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Um, and, and so.
Toby Dorr: the news. They’ve
Alexa Bigwarfe: Yep. Yep.
Toby Dorr: his kids in the yard recently and shot him in his own yard.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Oh my gosh.
Toby Dorr: What is going on with people?
Alexa Bigwarfe: awful. So she’s been working really hard putting all of her time and energy into, um, into legislation and trying to work the system and make sure the system is protecting the children. I mean, there’s absolutely no right where, why a dangerous parent should just have rights to their child.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Um, Um, just because they’re a biological component. So, um, yeah, so I, I hope that she’ll finish it one day because it’s a very, very powerful story.
Toby Dorr: it would be too. Yeah, I love that story. So, who has been your most important mentor?
Alexa Bigwarfe: Oh my gosh. I don’t even know where to start on this one. You know, one of the longest lasting mentors I think was my very last boss, my very last commander when I was in the air force, um, she was a, a, a. Colonel in the Air Force, very, very smart woman. She was also very, just understood people and understood the value of not giving your entire, because when you’re in the military, especially during war, it’s very easy to just like put all your time and energy into work.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And she was very committed to making sure that people spent time with their families and that, that you took some time off and it wasn’t all about work. But one of the things that it’s ironic, God places people in your life that you just need to know, um, about a year and a half before she transferred and, and became the commander of our organization, her 20 year old was killed in an accident.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And, um, so, and she had also lost, um, a baby at birth. So she. Even though I had left the military by this point in time, we stayed in touch. She was just a beacon of light for me. Um, after I went through my situation, but she really taught me a lot about leadership and the value of, of family and work life balance, and you can still be smart and you can still be driven and you can still have a career, but also put.
Alexa Bigwarfe: family. Um, that was before the publishing industry. Then since I’ve gotten into the publishing industry, I’ve been mentored by so many amazing women like Michelle at Grace Point, um, like Kathy Mice at Publish, Fazia Burke from PubSight, those Just to name a couple of them. I mean, I’ve, I’ve been, I gotta say, I’m super blessed.
Alexa Bigwarfe: I have been very rich when it comes to finding people who have mentored me and helped me through different pieces of this journey, and I’m just, I’m so grateful to them, and so I try to also give that back to other people whenever the opportunity arises.
Toby Dorr: I think that’s beautiful. And you know, we all make the world a better place by lifting each other up and helping each other through.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Yes,
Toby Dorr: the differences we can make. Make the differences just one person can make. If there are people who can lift them up and enable them to make those differences, it just can change the world.
Toby Dorr: It’s such a big impact. It’s a ripple.
Alexa Bigwarfe: yes, absolutely.
Toby Dorr: I love that. So tell us about a turning point in your life that propelled you in a new direction. I imagine there’s several, but.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Just one. Um, you know, I would say, I mean, obviously I’ve had some massive turning points just in what we’ve talked about, but I would say I’m kind of in a turning point, maybe right now as well. It’s like I’ve gotten to this point. Place. And I, I love what I’m doing, but I also am a single mom to three kids and, and I work a lot.
Alexa Bigwarfe: I mean, it takes a lot of time and energy and effort to keep these businesses going and all of these things happening. And, and what I find is that I’m so busy working with other authors and with putting on events for authors that I have very little time. To do my own writing. So I guess I would say probably the turning point really was when I published my first novel and in December a year ago, I read it under a pen named Lexi Haddock.
Alexa Bigwarfe: It’s four days in Paris. It’s a fun little rom com about falling in love on New Year’s Eve, 1999 in Paris and. I really discovered my passion for reading and writing at that time because I was reading, reading, reading, reading all the time to keep up with other rom coms and the styles of the books and all of those things.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And, um, I really am at the point now where I’m trying to once again Kind of evaluate how I’m doing things and where I’m spending my time and what I can do so that writing can be a major component Which is a really funny to say as a publisher and as someone who works with authors all the times All the time you would think that writing is a major component But most of my writing these days is newsletters and blog posts and content for marketing and all of that I want to be writing books
Toby Dorr: So carving out a little more time to write is what you’re working on. That’s interesting. You know, so many powerful things come from us when we write.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Oh my goodness. Yes.
Toby Dorr: births so many things. I’m working on a new book called October Mornings and it’s spelled M O U R N I N G S and it’s Reflections on Life’s Changing Seasons.
Toby Dorr: So there’s a collection of essays, but, um, I got this idea. I love things that are different and creative. So I like to buy books with pictures in them or, you know, where they mix stuff. So I’m going to write these essays and then I’m going to highlight certain words that actually create a poem out of what’s in the essay.
Toby Dorr: And so then you can read the essay or you can read the poem or you can read them both. So it’ll be a poem, poetry book, and a collection of essays at the
Alexa Bigwarfe: I love that. That’s such a beautiful idea.
Toby Dorr: I am excited about that. So was there ever a time you really felt imprisoned and what did you do? Free? Yeah.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And I totally broke free by leaving that situation and, and getting back on my own again. Um, that was a hard time. You know, we went through as, as you know, it’s, it’s. It’s, it’s really difficult to lose a child and we, um, we grieved in different ways and we processed in different ways and we healed in different ways.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And um, yeah, it was, it, it didn’t, it didn’t end well. Yeah. Hmm.
Toby Dorr: think that’s where my marriage went wrong too. It took me 18 years to finally leave. So, but. I couldn’t really voice it, just didn’t, but that’s the moment I think where our paths really diverged and, and his way of dealing with it was to, let’s never say her name. Let’s never talk about her.
Toby Dorr: Let’s just pretend like she wasn’t here. And that didn’t work for me.
Alexa Bigwarfe: No, he rarely does for mothers.
Toby Dorr: I needed to talk, I couldn’t talk to him, I had to talk to myself or talk to no one and, you know, it just, it just created a chasm that I don’t think we could ever bridge,
Alexa Bigwarfe: Yeah,
Toby Dorr: that is tough.
Alexa Bigwarfe: mm hmm. Oh,
Toby Dorr: one question you wish I’d asked?
Alexa Bigwarfe: oh goodness Toby, um Oh my that’s a that’s a that’s a hard one. Um, let’s see
Toby Dorr: So maybe is there something you want to share that we had, I didn’t bring up or I didn’t even know about? Mm hmm.
Alexa Bigwarfe: You know, I think one thing that that I yes one thing that I love Talking to people about is resilience and just that, because especially these, I mean, the last four years have been so hard for everyone for, for a lot of different reasons. And, um, I get the question I get asked a lot, actually, is how did you How did you do what you did?
Alexa Bigwarfe: How did you, you know, become a happy person again? How did you put all these things aside? What did you do? And the, and the question, the answer to that is that I made the choice. I, I chose to not stay stuck where I was. And that was really scary because when you’ve lost a child, it’s very hard to stop grieving because you feel like you’re Afraid that you may forget them or that you’re doing a disservice or, or I don’t know.
Alexa Bigwarfe: It’s just, it’s scary. But I realized I had three other children here that needed me to be with them. And, um, so what I did was I named my first company after her cat, Biggie press.
Toby Dorr: love that. You know, I could do something like that. And, you know, I put so much time and energy into Emily’s name. I thought it was so beautiful. Emily Anne with an E, Emily Anne Elizabeth. So, you know, I thought if I wrote that on paper, on a diploma, on a certificate, on a, you know, wouldn’t it be beautiful just written out?
Toby Dorr: And, and I love that name. And you’re right. I should name something after her.
Alexa Bigwarfe: Absolutely. Well, it’s kept her very, very present in everything that I do. And it’s, uh, and it’s, It’s a major part of my story of how all of this publishing stuff began. So I tell her story over and over so she’s definitely not forgotten and she never could be anyway, even if, even if I didn’t do those things, but it’s, it’s, it’s really important for people to remember that we have one shot at this life.
Alexa Bigwarfe: And within that we have many, many little shots. So if you make a mistake, the only thing you can do is first of all, feel it. Don’t stuff it, you know, do, do what you need to do to get, to get through it, to grieve, to scream, to throw temper tantrums on the floor, like a two year old, whatever you need to do, and then pick yourself back up again and say, I’m still here, and I still need to, you know, I need to keep moving forward, and it is hard.
Alexa Bigwarfe: I know it’s so
Toby Dorr: it is so hard. You know, I lost an adult child too to cancer and There’s such different losses, you know, and I don’t think anything compares to losing a baby. I don’t know why that is. Maybe,
Alexa Bigwarfe: It’s because you’ve lost the entire life.
Toby Dorr: yes, you have nothing to remember. I don’t have any memories of her. I don’t know what her voice would have sounded like or her laugh or even what color her eyes were going to be.
Toby Dorr: So, you know, there’s just so there’s such an unknown and it’s just so tough. And here’s a poem I wrote, um, gosh, like. 15 or 20 years ago. It’s a short little poem. I think it kind of says it all. The thing I hate most about losing a child is that it’s such a secret. New people in my life don’t know and how can I tell them when it only makes them feel bad. You know, and that’s kind of how you go on and you get a new job and you make new friends and they know you have these two boys at home but they don’t know you have a daughter that died and you. Can’t really say, oh, by the way, you know, I also have a daughter, but she’s dead. And you know, then they go, ah, you know, and it’s so deflating.
Toby Dorr: So did you struggle with that? Did
Alexa Bigwarfe: all the time, all the time, and I still do when people ask me how many kids I always want to tell them for, you know, how many kids you have for, but then that just that, that, like, then I have to tell them, oh, but I’m only, I only have three here and it gets into a long,
Toby Dorr: Yes. It’s the whole
Alexa Bigwarfe: and
Toby Dorr: story. Yes. And they’re thinking, I didn’t want the story. I just
Alexa Bigwarfe: right, right.
Alexa Bigwarfe: So I tell most people three, but you know, it’s, it’s, um, the other coin for that is, um, the twins factor is that every time I see twins, it’s just like a, a knife plunging into my heart over and over. And I don’t think that will ever, ever go away.
Toby Dorr: You know, I don’t think it will either. And it, it is kind of a secret part of your life because it is hard to bring it up. You know, there’s times when it comes out and it’s welcomed, but it’s just. Kind of awkward, I think, to
Alexa Bigwarfe: Yes, for, for all parties. I know I was, I was that very awkward person for, uh, for a couple of years afterward. Cause I wanted everybody to know about her. So, you know, and you can just see it in people’s faces. They’re like, Oh, I didn’t want to go down this road. You
Toby Dorr: of it. And, you know, people don’t, people could be, they could ask, Did you ever lose a child? But, you know, nobody does that either. It would break the
Alexa Bigwarfe: would get banned from social situation. Oh, here
Toby Dorr: would.
Alexa Bigwarfe: comes Alexa. She’s the one who’s going to ask you if you’ve ever lost a child. Look out.
Toby Dorr: So is there a question that you’d like to ask me?
Alexa Bigwarfe: I would, you know, I would like to know how you have been able to, um, you know, really take all that you’ve done. And it, to me, it’s funny because when I hear you tell your story, you’re so it’s, it’s almost like. It wasn’t a bad thing. And I’m really curious about what you did to, to once you came out of prison.
Alexa Bigwarfe: I mean, we hear so many stories of how difficult life is. I’m so curious about got you from that day to where you are and doing all these things.
Toby Dorr: Well, you know, today I love the woman I am and it’s the first time in my life I’ve ever loved myself and approved myself and going to prison is what got me to here. So. I can’t ever wish it out of my life. I’ll never go back. I promise. I’ll never go back. It wasn’t fun. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Toby Dorr: I found so much of my power and so much of myself and so much of my story behind bars.
Alexa Bigwarfe: That’s amazing.
Toby Dorr: Yeah. I just wouldn’t be where I am today without it. So
Alexa Bigwarfe: you’re a poster child for resilience and, and taking bad and turning it into good. So it’s wonderful.
Toby Dorr: Yeah, and you know, when you fall so far down. You can’t go any further down, what you need to do is lift you up. So you just keep going up, you know, and eventually you get somewhere.
Toby Dorr: So yeah, I think it’s, and perspective, really perspective is what got me here. I, I try to take every single thing that upsets me or hurts me and turn the perspective on it because I control how I feel about anything
Alexa Bigwarfe: Mm-Hmm. . Uh, I love that.
Toby Dorr: perspective of everything. Yeah.
Alexa Bigwarfe: That is such good. I mean, that wasn’t given out as advice, but I’m gonna take that as advice because it, it’s, it’s really, really easy. And this is one of the things that I’ve struggled with over, with the, all the things that have happened in the last few years. It’s really, really easy to fall into The woe is me and why does this happen to me?
Alexa Bigwarfe: And, you know, this, this person did that to me and whatever. But I, I love that reframing of it, of just saying. I control how I’m going to, and that’s hard, that’s hard
Toby Dorr: Yes, it is hard. It is hard. Um, I’m almost gotten to the point where it’s second nature to me now. I just think I don’t have to be upset about that. You know, that’s not a problem. If somebody else wants to be mad at me because I went to prison and I wrote a book about it and rich on it, which I obviously did not.
Toby Dorr: Uh, That’s their problem. I’m, I’m really glad I’m not them. So
Alexa Bigwarfe: I love that.
Toby Dorr: yeah, you can control that. Um, was, I can’t remember. I had another thought I was going to share with you, but I don’t remember. So, so what’s one word that inspires you?
Alexa Bigwarfe: I would say one word that inspires me, gosh, you asked some really thought provoking questions here. Let’s say, I think no, No is the word that’s inspiring me right now.
Toby Dorr: love that. We do not say no enough,
Alexa Bigwarfe: Oh gosh, I do not say it nearly enough and that’s one thing I’m working on this year. I’ve dubbed 2024 as my year of no because I just keep taking on too much and saying yes too much and I don’t need to to be everything to everyone.
Toby Dorr: that. I love that. That’s important too. You know, and um, at the time of my escape, when I was at my. darkest, most dysfunctional state. I had a checklist next to my bed and at night I had to check off 17 things I’d finished that day or it was not a good day and I thought I don’t even know where I came up with the number 17.
Toby Dorr: That’s
Alexa Bigwarfe: A lot of things to do in one day.
Toby Dorr: day and I demanded it of myself every day because you know I was trying to keep so busy that I didn’t have to feel anything. So yeah, I think saying no is a great word.
Alexa Bigwarfe: no to checklists of 17 mandatory things.
Toby Dorr: I don’t need to make checklists now. I just don’t. Does it activate a monster in me somehow?
Toby Dorr: I don’t need a checklist anymore.
Alexa Bigwarfe: No more checklists. I need checklists. I need a lot of checklists right now with three teenagers and a business and all of those things. Checklists are, are not something I’ll be tossing out. Anytime soon.
Toby Dorr: Probably not. Well, thank you so much, Alexa. I’m so delighted to have you on. And Alexa has Cat Biggie Press, she has Purple Butterfly Press, and she has the Women in Publishing Summit. And I’ll have links to all those sites on our, in our show notes, so you’ll be able to reach out to her. Did I miss one of your businesses, Alexa?
Alexa Bigwarfe: Right. Publish, sell, just
Toby Dorr: Oh, right. Let me throw that in. Yeah, that’s right. Well, we’ll have links to all four of them.
Alexa Bigwarfe: It’s funny. And you probably don’t have to ask most people. Did I miss one of your businesses? Cause most people don’t try to run for businesses,
Toby Dorr: Yes.
Alexa Bigwarfe: like I said, year of no, no,
Toby Dorr: I love that. I love that. Well, thanks so much, Alexa.
Alexa Bigwarfe: thank you, Toby. This was great.
Toby Dorr: Thank you for joining me on Fierce Conversations with Toby. Your support and listening means so much to me, and I hope today’s conversation makes a difference in your world. If you would like to support this podcast, there are many ways to do so. I found these ways tend to help the most in getting our message out into the world.
Toby Dorr: Number one, subscribe to the show on Apple podcasts, Spotify podcasts, YouTube, or wherever you listen to, or watch this podcast. If you can leave a five star rating or a like on this episode on YouTube, that helps even more. And if you leave a comment or a review, that helps the most. The next way you can support Fierce Conversations with Toby is to join our Patreon at patreon.com/fierceconversations. All tiers come with a downloadable digital gratitude journal created by me and membership in a private Facebook group that I also lead. Most importantly, 10 percent of all proceeds from your subscription will go directly to donating my workbooks to women in prison.
Toby Dorr: Finally, sharing the link to this show with your friends, family, and anyone who wants to listen is appreciated more than I can say. Thank you again for joining me today and supporting this show by listening to it and sharing it with friends. Fierce Conversations is created and hosted by me, Toby Dorr, produced by Number 3 Productions.
Toby Dorr: The theme song that you’re hearing now, Groovin’ was composed and arranged by Lisa Plasse. Lisa also plays the flute for the theme with Carolyn Parody on piano and Tony Ventura on bass. Find out more at tobydorr. com. This is Fierce Conversations with Toby. Escape your prison.
